Hello! I live!

The experiment lives! I live! Everything lives! Except the plant that I keep on my desk, that dies. And all of the noobs on Mario Kart, they die. They die now.

Right, to business. I’m afraid I’ve had an awfully busy week, hence the lack of post. My actual, real life job has been keeping me away from my frivolities and if this isn’t a frivolity then what is? I’m a little less employed this week and will be back at uni scrounging off of you good working people next week so I’ll have oodles of time. (An ‘Oodle’ being an unspecified length of time which I suspect equals the amount of time that it takes for the average ‘Warhammer’ fanboy to ejaculate during intercourse. Let’s say about fourty five seconds.)  I have been keeping up with my experiment and you’ll be given a full weeks graph to nom upon later ‘Mmm tasty graph nom nom!’ I’ll even throw in a side of pithy banter and you can have some laughs for pudding, chocolate flavoured belly laughs, the veritable cheesecake of entertainment.

The boring stuff, I have many new friends who are completely bemused and almost certainly a little bit scared. Whether this is because of the circumstances in which I added them, the somewhat cryptic ‘Hello!’ message, or my general personality (you have to question the sanity of a man with an impending ostrich tattoo on his left foot) I’m not sure, but I do hope you’re enjoying your own little part in the experiment.

I’m a fan of all sorts of useless shit, a brief summary:

Getting a text off of someone you like,  Periphery (It’s a band, I’m not a follower of looking sideways), Going to the pub (this one was bound to happen), Charming Heart, whatever the fuck that is and some artist from Canada land whom I suspect makes fervent and extremely savage love to his King Charles spaniel. And some of the friends I’ve made? Without using last names for them suing me purposes, Clive, Matt, Daniel, Dave, Nick ,Phoebe, Kath, Keith, Daniel and entertainingly enough, a fellow that goes by the name of  ‘Switchblade McKenzie’. I won’t post any more information about him, seen as his name seems to suggest that he’s probably a little bit stab happy. ‘McKenzie’? Fearful.

I must apologise for going slightly off track for my own aims. I had some major happy points from doing so, which were only loosely because of facebook, but it IS connected, so who really gives a flying fucktion? It’s my experiment, not yours, I’m the one getting a chuffing Ostrich tattoo so if I want to fiddle the rules to make them more entertaining for me I will.

I’ve got some negative happy that’s happened as a result of the experiment which you’ll see in the graph, but you non facebook fuckers with your free will shouldn’t feel bad – I’m deep fried in fanny batter.

Until next time, kisses and cuddles.

Negative Days, Positive Pluggage.

I’ve deliberately not posted in the last few days for two reasons.

Reason one.

I’ve had almost totally negative happy. I was going to get Wallace to make a happy graph for the end of this week but it would’ve had you literally weeping into your mid morning cereal.  There will be more from Wallace and his graph wizadry, but not until the graph is above minus twenty happy. There is no happy.

Reason Two

I did some work for a webzine based out of Bristol these last few weeks and I’ve spent the last two days dealing with complaint letters about a piece I wrote on the state of the nation, there’s been two hundred and sixteen on the last count. To the person that spent two hundred words calling me a bastard but then said ‘Oh, I enjoy your facebook blog, good luck with it’, get off of this blog right now. I don’t want your bastard eyes on my blog, your eyes taint my blog with their shittyness. I will find you, I will track you down and I will fuck you in the eye socket. Peace. Fucker.  I mean, could you please stop reading and go somewhere else?

Ahem.

So updates, I’ve made facebook friends with a whole heap of people today, which is nice. The last two days have been made up almost solely of boring applications and groups that I don’t believe in. I’m now a commited patriotic, Vegetarian fan of a band called ‘The Ceserians’ who was born in the 90′s. Ironic seen as I’m not overly fond of my country, my favourite vegetable is called ‘Cow meat’, I’ve never heard of that band who sound like a medical procedure and I was born in the 80′s. To my new friends, Chris, Carrie, Cristin, Claire (there’s a lot of C’s), amongst the others, hello and welcome to my experiment.  Facebook did give me one little bit of lovely tasty ‘positive happy’ *Nomnom*, in the form of Tim Minchin’s song ‘Not Perfect’.  

Off Topic Plugging.

 

I write on occasion for another zine run by two good friends of mine from University. We’re both unnecessarily harsh to those less fortunate than us, and full of style tips (for the sexily judgemental among you). Check it out at http://foammag.tumblr.com. Nic also happens to be a musician and you can find his unchained melodies at www.myspace.com/nicdemusmusic. Listen to it, don’t listen to it, fucked if I care, but I like both the man and the music. He has the Rob Seel of approval.

That’s about all for today. I’m still taking ostrich tattoo designs, I’m still sending out my ‘Hello!’ messages to new friends and I’ve started to receive some fan mail. I cannot over emphasise how nice it is to receive some supportive emails after all the complaints I got at work. Thank you, deeply from the bottom of my heart for the lovely words and the supportive comments – if my little experiment here makes the lives of friends and strangers happier for five minutes a day then I count it as nothing but a resounding success.

Peave and love to everyone, bar the guy that kept reading this after I told you not to. I’m gonna nank you.

Rob

‘I just Laughed so hard some Sick happened’

One of the many things to come out of my mouth in the last couple of days. That sentence I mean, not sick. Well sick did come out too. Whatever. I can safely say we’re into negative happy at the moment. There was a brief period of extreme positive happy (the drunk bit) but then the other bit (the hangover/shame bit) took over and now the happy has fled, like a Frenchman from a fight. Here’s some other fun things that I said whilst drunk/ as a result of being drunk:

‘You know, it really is a great feeling - dancing on the ceiling’

‘So I was just stood there chatting to him and holding my dick for like five minutes’

And the aftermath; ‘I drank too much and my boy parts hurt >_<’

And why did I get drunk? Facebook. There was an advert for Jager. The advert said to go to the Jager website, the Jager website said ‘Drink me Rob, you love me. Lick me, taste me, enjoy me’ (or something similar) and who am I to ignore the wishes of animate alcoholic beverages? I think that would be rather arrogant of me. So other than embarassment and a headache, what has my experiment done for me over the last couple of days?

I’m a fan of Paramore, Freezepops and some chinese punk band called ‘Daphne Loves Derby’. All of these things have resulted in minus happy (including freezepops, they have no taste. They’re like brainfreeze in a tube. Fuck that.) I ate Fish & Chips, which ended up giving me what felt like mild food poisoning and were cold by the time I’d gotten them home and I added a girl I know called Liz, who now seems to be vaguely afraid of me. Perhaps I need to work on the ‘Hello!’ message a little. It’s somewhat cryptic.

On the bright side I became a fan of ‘Good Dreams’ my second favourite thing to have in a bed (your mother being top of the list) and I somewhat ironically then became a fan of ‘Beds’ and all of their uses, including the aformentioned good dreams and milf sex. I also tracked down an old friend by the somewhat ladyish name of Lawrence and found a guy who has the same last name as my sister. All of these things gave me happy points, but not  even vaguely enough happy points to make up for ‘I just laughed so hard some sick happened’.

Nothing will ever make up for ‘I just laughed so hard some sick happened’.

¬_¬

My Flightless bird Shame

Three days in and what’s happened? I’ve got a lot of new friends, so to start, Hello! Welcome to the experiment.

I’ve become a member of  a fantastic group relating to the Zombie apocalypse and I now feel much better prepared to deal with the threat. I’m a fan of Skittles, which feels somewhat retarded as I dislike the little balls of sugary sin. And a friend of mine exploited a loophole in the rules and now I will, infact be getting that Ostrich tattoo. I’m taking suggestions for designs/ideas, it’ll be going on my left foot/ankle and I’d rather it wasn’ t too big.

I’d like to welcome a new addition to the group, my good friend Ryan who will be acting as the reverse part of my experiment. As I do everything Facebook tells me, he will be doing the exact opposite, ‘Fuck you Facebook’. At the end of the test (January 1st, 2010) we will be deciding which path was more beneficial. But how will we manage that? With Ryan’s ‘Chart of Happy!’  We’ve worked out a system of measuring our ‘happy’ and will soon be giving you lot’s of pretty graphs so you can see the happy for yourself.

At the moment, I’m in ‘Plus Happy’ which is good. For every person I’ve tried to add as a friend who rejects me for being crazy, I’ll minus happy. For every action I’m forced to do/money I’m forced to waste, I’ll subtract some more happy. Every new friend, every entertaining action will result in extra happy.

And to close the day, a big ‘Hello!’ to Bev White, my newest friend and the first friend who shares my last name. She gave me three happy points. To understand how good the happy points feel, imagine receiving fallatio from God. Did you finish in his beard? I did.

Cheers everyone, remember to check the group for updates and tell all your friends. I’ll probably be adding them soon anyway.

The first Step upon the road to possible happiness

Day two of my experiment and what’s been achieved? Well first, let’s say a big warm hello to my new friends.

Envy Street: Either the most unfortunate name in the cosmos, or the shitty nightclub ten minutes from my house. I’m going to go ahead and assume it’s the second, but ladies, ‘Envy’ a good name for your daughter?

John, Lydia, Mel, Suzanne. I’d like to say a big hello. Hello! You, as everyone else will, received a message from me in the last two days saying ‘Hello!’ and a link to this blog. So. Hello! You’re part of something great/pointless.

I’ve become a fan of various things which I dislike (Sky Sports, some musician, the short news reader) and some things which seem sensible ‘ Not being on Fire’ for instance. I will also be attending ‘Clunge Appreciation Year’ part one, which is fitting, because we all like a bit of clunge.

The Rules of the Game

A quick re-cap/reiteration in response to some of the messages I’ve received in the last fourty eight hours. You being on Facebook and telling me to do things ‘Get a tattoo of an ostrich on your left foot’, for instance, will not result in me doing those things. Facebook themselves have to tell me to do something. I follow their suggestions, their adverts, their product placement. If they tell me to add an application, then I shall. If you do? I shall not. So stop trying, you mean mean fuckers. As for the cunt biscuit that said ‘Wank onto your nan’, I’m afraid there’ll be no nanking (nan wanking) in the near future. Commision Facebook to put up an ad promoting nan wanking, make sure I see it and I’ll cover her in semen. Until then, there’ll be no salty old ladies.

I also have work for one lucky person that wants to get involved. Be my Wallace. It requires some spare time, an open mind and a head for pie charts. Pie charts mind, not just pies.

Cheers everybody, keep an eye on the Trav forums where I’ll be updating and on the facebook group.

Ta’ very much and happy nanking.

All hail the Book of Faces

At this very moment, you good sir or Madam (or sexy Hamaphrodite) are on the information super highway. You’re managing to somehow cruise and surf at the same time. You’re an insy winsy spider on the web of knowledge. And I bet all of you are also on Facebook or have been on facebook in the last twenty four hours and even if you beg to differ, I won’t believe you, you filthy lying dog you.

We have everything in the whole world ever at our fingertips, provided you’re smart enough to go to ‘www.google.com’ or one of it’s affiliates. Yet rather than use  this fantastic tool with which we’ve been gifted by the Deities of dorkery, we sit mindlessly on a website that gives us random and useless information about people that we probably haven’t seen since we left school, the reason being that we hated the little morons. We update our status to tell everyone that ‘We’re going to get a haircut’ or that ‘Steve has left me and returned to the Congo!’ , but does anyone really care? We do the odd quiz, we play games, we laugh cause Hayley from 10C is having her eighth baby from a ninth father (they double teamed her).

So here I find myself sitting, prepared to take on a challenge. I swear, I will do everything facebook tells me to do until New Years day 2010. Until we find ourselves at the changing of decades, I will literally obey Facebook as if it were an omnipotent cat like Goddess. They want me to take surveys? I’ll take surveys. They suggest I add ‘Grace Jones’? I’ll add Grace Jones, and y’know what, I’ll say hello to her as well.  They suggest I take a holiday? Well by jove, I will take a holiday.

The first two thirds of 2009 have been absolutely sod awful. I’m hugely in debt, I’m alone, I’m hungry, I need to pee(that one’s a bit more specific to now) and I can’t get a pro score at Wii Sports boxing. Will living a Facebook life make them any better?

And will I be able to sell my story to Random House and write a book about my experiences?

Hmm…